The shortest day of the year had come and gone. Looking out the spacious window of my oversized 10x10 office, the settling smoke from a fire at Myrtle's Grill made the streets look like fog-ridden London in a black and white horror flick. I wasn't looking for work, having just provided a client with evidence of a cheating wife, for which he paid me double. So when a tall, thin guy with a calculator stepped into my office, I hoped he was collecting for "Help a Geek Week". No such luck. He stammered out a name, Steven Stop. He wanted me to investigate something he said was "black, round and...has a kinda scary looking core." He pulled out a picture of a Brunswick Time Zone. He had done the math, but didn't trust his figures. He wanted to see if it would work in the real world of imperfect lanes, beat up pins and variable oil. I quoted double my usual rate, plus a generous allowance for expenses. The guy must have been an early investor in Microsoft, cause he didn't bat an eye -- he even gave me three day's pay in advance. I went out to Lost and Found to find a couple of good gimlets to celebrate.
The next day, I went to the pro shop at Grind It Out Lanes and, with a portion of the expense money, purchased two of the black bombs and created a tab at the bar. They were drilled 4x4 and 5x5 by Stan the Pro Shop Man, while I downed my first gimlet.
The cover was shiny, black, and as sleek as Demi Moore in Striptease. It was supposed to get through broken down heads and be controllable, like any good dame, on the back. I tried it on house tapers, a christmas tree, and a couple of conditions flatter than Kate Moss.
1. Length? As shiny as this is in box condition, on lighter and medium oil it tries to be a midlaner, picking up and moving earlier than one would think. More oil, more skid -- always the case -- except with this one, the length was fairly consistent except on the extremes of wet and dry. Mr. Clean on spotty conditions, so long as there was something out there, it gets to the "breakpoint" consistently. However, if you live in a dry county, you'll need the Dukes to bring you some speed to use this. Don't try it if you live in an oil producing state.
2. How did it move? Controlled, powerful and smooth for a shiny black thing, like watching Halle in Catwoman. Meow. Adequate on carrydown and not angular. It will rollout if you let it get dull or if, god forbid, you ignore my advice and try to use it in a dry county without a 442 Hemi to generate speed.
3. How much did it move? This ball is a local. It gets from place to place and it does so with a minimum of fuss. It moves enough to create angle for carry, but it doesn't take off like Jane Fonda when she sees Vietnam vets. It moves left (or right -- I hate going right) controllably and predictably. And it looks nice doing it.
4. How did it hit? Now you might think "Phillip, given what you have just written, I'd guess this one bleeds energy like Chuck Wepner fighting Ali." But you'd be wrong. Somehow, if you keep the speed up even reasonably, this one has plenty left at the deck to deck the pins like Hagler. Light, five flies into the corners looking like something out of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Stone cold stone solid. And a high flush, well it wins like Moneymaker. Not as good as my gimlets mind you, but nothing to shake your head at either.
5. What kind of control did it give me? Most folks are scared of dark, dangerous -looking things. This one's a black pussycat -- and I don't mean Catwoman. Smooth, controllable, forgiving and pretty, Liz Hurley after Hugh's miscreancy. You can push it, pull it, overrev and underrev and still have a reasonable chance at salvation with this doll of a ball.
6. What is the overall report of the investigation? This is a good Time Zone to live in, so long as you stay away from deserts and oil slicks. Simple, strong, predictable and good looking. Now, if I can only find a secretary like that. The Geek bought one. And he gave me a bonus. Nice guy.
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"I don't mind if you don't like my manners. I don't like them myself. They're pretty bad. I grieve over them on long winter evenings."
