Andrew,
Funny stuff, but not actually far off the mark.
I had to sand my Intense to 2000 grit and then re-polish with Brunswick's high gloss polish to get it to work for the first game+ on old wood lanes that start out medium-light. Still had to put it away before 3rd game. That ball was drilled 4" pin, next to ring finger, CG in grip center. Redrilled it pin at 5", pin over ring finger and restored it to out of the box finish. Better but still needed finer grit. Just resanded it to 1000 grit and re-polished. Still nowhere near a light oil ball!