The clock on the wall and the dark outside my window, told me "Phillip, go home, its 12:30 a.m." But with a bank account balance just this side of absolute zero, I couldn't bring myself to even go out for a cup of Myrtle's Grill coffee. At precisely 12:31, he came into the office. A small man, with narrow eyes and a cold cut nose, he said he had tried to call earlier. He wanted to hire me. He wanted me to investigate a mysterious Thing that had Returned ... to find out what it was and why it had invaded his place, "Flash Finish Lanes and Grill." He paid me two days' fee in advance. I went to Myrtle's bought a cup of joe and went to bed feeling rich.
I went to the Pro Shop at Flash Finish and picked up two 15 pound examples of these "Thing Returns" eggs, drilled 5x4 and 4x5. It was pearlized, crayola deep orange and the purple you find only in bowling balls and neon signs outside of pool halls. The cover was supposed to soak up oil like the Swifter cleans linoleum tile and to be cleaner than Pine Sol and stronger than a double gin gimlet. I tried it on house tapers, light through medium heavy and a variety of sport and "pro" conditions to see why it had returned. I kept good notes so I could give my client -- the one who paid me for two days' work in advance and promised more upon completion of the investigation -- a report, unencumbered by poor memory or lack of booze.
1. Length. On anything from light to medium plus oil, this one went down the lane like a one-man sled. Absolutely clean to the breakpoint even on spotty conditions, it did not overskid when it hit the dry, changing directions smoothly, like Velma hearing Moose was coming to see her. On heavy oil, well, it just kept going. But if there was a dry area after the heads and midlanes, it went left.
2. How did it move? Strong, hard and pretty, like Chyna in black leather at a cage match. There were no flying Wallenda flips, just a hard, smooth arc, tracing the beginning of a parabola that, if you saw it on a dame -- like maybe Raquel -- would cause Cardiac arrest in a llama. For a pearl, it shrugged off carrydown surprisingly well.
3. How much did it move? A lot. For the conditions and its place in the arsenal, a Heidi Fleiss type hooker. I immediately ordered two double Jack's and Diet Cokes to make sure I wasn't seeing things. I wasn't. Big mover for a medium light ball. I never saw it rollout.
4. How did it hit? Dresden. Tokyo. Hiroshima. The Thing Returns. Light, pins flew around like Dorothy's house. Heavy, fours fall like Apollo Creed in Rocky IV and if there is a problem it is stone oblisks bearing "8" and "9". Very good. Real Good. Almost as good as my gin gimlet. Almost.
5. What kind of control did it give me? As predictable as a banker's hours -- and no less precise. Miss left and Miss Right...well I had some of each of those dames. Speed sensitive but not rev sensitive, you felt you like you could be a little rough with her, Maddy Ross style, and still get a reasonable result.
6. What is the overall report of the investigation? I know why the Thing Returns. Because folks like it. Predictable, versatile, a looker and useful in a range of roles -- like Jane Fonda withouth the irritating personality. Everyone can use one. My client bought one on my recommendation. I got an extra day's pay as a bonus. Whooppee.
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"I don't mind if you don't like my manners. I don't like them myself. They're pretty bad. I grieve over them on long winter evenings."
