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Author Topic: What Should I Do?  (Read 3050 times)

debs130

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What Should I Do?
« on: May 14, 2004, 01:01:26 AM »
My son, Nick (14), was suspended for the rest of the term for bringing alcohol to school.  He's not a drinker, but thought it would be "cool."  I'm seeking counseling for him.

My first thought is to lock him up for the rest of his life, but reason is beginning to take over.  My question is:  He's a very good bowler and bowls in a scholarship league as well as JBTs.  Do I take away bowling from him as punishment?  There has to be some consequence for his action, but should I take away something for which I believe he has a great talent?  He's already not permitted to go to the junior high graduation ceremony.

Help!  Only serious replies please.

Debbie
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TheBowlingKid25

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2004, 04:07:13 PM »
Deb, I really dont mean to sound rude, or anything but is your son popular? A lot of kids these days will try anything to fit in with the "cool" kids. If you and him are close, its one thing, and he would probably talk to you about it, but its embarrasing for a kid to not have friends, and he may not even tell you. I've been in that situation and you should not nesciarily scold him extremely bad. Coming from a kid myself, that makes it more interesting. Sit down and have a talk with him about it. Ask him why he did it, what were his reasons. Check out his social life a little bit, see if maybe he is just looking for some attention.
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RichUT

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2004, 04:10:05 PM »
I'm not a parent, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Seriously though, this one is going to come down to what kind of relationship you have with your son, and what kind of kid he is.  If he is typically a well mannered kid and he just got caught up into the pressures of High School life, I would not act too aggresivley.  Can't blame someone for wanting their friends to like them.  He just happened to make a really bad approach.  I'd talk with him and see if he understands why it was a terrible idea.  I'd also look for signs of remorse.  Is he truly sorry for what he did?  Can you see him repeating the same mistake?  Kids are just like grown ups in that they often make mistakes and have a lapse in judgement.  If this is an isolated incident, I would seek an alternative disciplinary program.  If it happens with regularity, then you might be on the right track.

Make sure the punishment fits the crime.  It sounds like he is really passionate about bowling.  If you take that away, what is that going to do to him?  It could cause him to lash out and act out much worse than this.

Personally, if it were my child, I would take away other privelages and allow him to bowl.  However, I would certainly stress the fact that he is fortunate to still be allowed to participate, and that future slip ups might result in more severe restrictions.

At the end of the day, it's your child.  You know him best, and you will make the right call.

Good luck.

debs130

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2004, 04:10:29 PM »
BK, thanks for replying.

Yes, he's quite popular (not one of the nerds) and has a decent amount of close friends.  The kids involved, however, are not his "outside" friends, just school acquaintances.  They're known troublemakers.  He's never been in trouble in ten years of school.

Debbie
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debs130

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2004, 04:18:04 PM »
Rich,

You must have been replying while I was typing away to BowlingKid.  Thanks for your advice, and BTW, I tend to agree with it.  He's a lot closer to me than to my husband, and opens up once in a while.  He's basically a good kid, but has been going in the wrong direction the past year (failing grades).  He's never been in trouble before in school.  

Bowling is our greatest bond.  We compete with one another at least twice a week.  This is why I hesitate to cut him off from bowling.  It could spiral him into a depression.  We've been talking a good deal today, and he says he feels really stupid for what he did and is begging me for another chance.  I feel as if I've been kicked in the stomach.

Debbie
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solid9

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #5 on: May 14, 2004, 04:26:30 PM »
Still amazing how the older we get, the more things stay the same. Deb you have to do what you feel is right and stick by your guns.
  I am the father of six and too often I let the childern decide what they thought the punishment should be, instead of just dishing it out and letting it play out.

C-G ProShop-Carl

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #6 on: May 14, 2004, 04:36:35 PM »
I am a parent, however, I did not sleep at a Holiday Inn Express lastnight.

None of my children are old enough for me to acually relate to the situation as a parent. SO, I am trying to relate this to being my daughter. If my daughter did that, I would find other way to punish her. I would ground her, for a long time. I would take away any video games, television , bicycles, playing with friends at home. I would let her continue to bowl, HOWEVER, I would make it very embarassing for her. I would be there watching every move she makes. She would not be allowed to really socialize as she is used to doing. Throw the ball, get her practice, and thats it.

I would increase any chores that she has, and be more strict in doing so.

Just know one thing, if your son took it to school, odds are he has been drinking some. If he told you he wasn't and you are trusting his word, fine. BUT he could also be attempting to save his butt.
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pin-chaser

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2004, 04:48:25 PM »
Debs,

  I have three kids 17,16,15 (last is daughter and THE MOST TROUBLE). I heard a phrase a long time ago that has set my perspective with dealing with mistakes. "You can win more with honey than you can with vinegar".  In this situation, your son made a mistake. And that is his job at this point in his life, to make mistakes and yours to pick him up, show him his mistake and set him on his way again to make another mistake. And so the cycle continues. If the vinegar is too sour than he will not be up front in the future with his mistakes. If the vinegar is not sour enough he will do the same thing to a larger degree. However, he has been punished by the school already and your justice is in addition to the sentence already given.

  But the honey is redirecting his attention and applying his efforts in a direction away from his deeds. It is nice that you know what interests him and have a direction that he wants to persue. Taking that away only forces him to consider other avenues to occupy his time and perhaps not in a direction that you would like. Bowling is a safe zone for both of you.


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debs130

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #8 on: May 14, 2004, 06:48:11 PM »
Thanks for all of your very wise replies.  They pretty much reflect what I feel instinctively.  You guys are great!

Debbie
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debs130

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #9 on: May 14, 2004, 06:57:18 PM »
RD,

LOL
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livespive

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #10 on: May 14, 2004, 07:11:06 PM »
quote:
I say no punishment, Just have him drink a 5th of jack in one hour and let that be the lesson.
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I would have to agree, although I don't have kids.

When I was young I asked my uncle about drinking and he
gave me a sip of beer.  After I stopped throwing up I reaalized
that I didn't want to drink, and I don't to this day.  I was also
curious about smoking, and mmy aunt gave me a puffof a cigarette,
and the same outcome, I do not smoke.

I would not take bowling away from him, although I would tell him that for every
action there is an  equal but oposite reation, then ground him for a while.

If he has not been in trouble before, it shouldn't be to big of a problem.

Good Luck,

Eric
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livespive

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #11 on: May 14, 2004, 07:25:28 PM »
quote:
quote:
When I was young I asked my uncle about drinking and he
gave me a sip of beer.  After I stopped throwing up...


Did you leave something out between those 2 sentances??? One sip??? Rookie
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Nope,

I was very young like about 7 or 8 something like that.
They cured me REAL quick.
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SrKegler

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #12 on: May 15, 2004, 11:49:41 AM »
No real answer here Debs.  One thing I noticed though was his grades have been dropping over the past year.  I would tend to look at the whole picture, bringing alcohol to school is just another step in the wrong direction.

Seems to me his "personality" has changed.  I think your idea of counseling is the only solution.

As far as punishment, I would probably hold off until after a few counseling sessions, letting him know his punishment would be based on his progress.  Might be as little as nothing, or losing every priviledge.
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a_ak57

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2004, 12:02:34 PM »
You do want to punish him to let him know it's not ok, but don't take away his favorite thing, especially one that can get him a scholarship.  Like BK said, have a talk with him.  You'd be suprised how open us teens can be.  Nobody gives us a chance.

Like I said though, don't punish him too harshly.  I know that if my parents ever banned me from bowling, I would NOT be prevented from doing anything bad, I'd bet ANYTHING that'd I'd become even worse and do much more.  Not to mention the fact I would hate my parents with a passion and our relationship would be torn up.  So I don't think you want that to happen.

Also, you said you want to get him counseling.  Only do this if he has done something like this before, but I don't know if he has.  If you send him to counseling, what message will that give him if it's only the one time?  It will say "I think you're screwed up and need help".  Not being offensive, but teens tend to think the same way when it comes to parents, and that's how I'd feel.  But unless he's done a bunch of other bad things, then you shouldn't.  If he has, though, that's another story.

No offense, but since you're dealing with a teen, many people here won't understand like me, BK and King will.  We're going through this kind of stuff right now, and we know what goes on at school.

But step number 1:  Have a talk.  That's the best thing to do right now.

And if someone argues with me about this post saying I'm wrong, that will prove my point that adults cannot think of how teens react and think about situations.

Hope this helps.  If not, can I have his stuff?

EDIT:  BTW, where did he get the alcohol from?
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Edited on 5/15/2004 12:03 PM

JOE FALCO

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Re: What Should I Do?
« Reply #14 on: May 15, 2004, 01:43:50 PM »
Deb .. I raised thee sons .. all are YOUNG ADULTS now .. THAT doesn't qualify me to answer your question .. it is NOT EASY to be a parent.

Everyone can make suggestions .. but you have to look into your heart. You know what has to be done and it's up to you to do it. None of us have the answer .. YOU DO!

Lets hope you nipped this in the bud .. don't put yourself in a spot where 3 years from now you say I WISH I WOULD HAVE ..! If you feel an action should be taking .. TAKE IT!

Lots of luck .. I'll prey for you!

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