Post by: debs130 on May 14, 2004, 01:01:26 AM
My first thought is to lock him up for the rest of his life, but reason is beginning to take over. My question is: He's a very good bowler and bowls in a scholarship league as well as JBTs. Do I take away bowling from him as punishment? There has to be some consequence for his action, but should I take away something for which I believe he has a great talent? He's already not permitted to go to the junior high graduation ceremony.
Help! Only serious replies please.
Debbie
Post by: TheBowlingKid25 on May 14, 2004, 04:07:13 PM
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16 years and still going strong! 16 years old that is!
The names Warrior Princess, Xena..Warrior PrincessAnd why would I "saw" pins in half, THATS A WASTE OF PINS!
Post by: RichUT on May 14, 2004, 04:10:05 PM
Seriously though, this one is going to come down to what kind of relationship you have with your son, and what kind of kid he is. If he is typically a well mannered kid and he just got caught up into the pressures of High School life, I would not act too aggresivley. Can't blame someone for wanting their friends to like them. He just happened to make a really bad approach. I'd talk with him and see if he understands why it was a terrible idea. I'd also look for signs of remorse. Is he truly sorry for what he did? Can you see him repeating the same mistake? Kids are just like grown ups in that they often make mistakes and have a lapse in judgement. If this is an isolated incident, I would seek an alternative disciplinary program. If it happens with regularity, then you might be on the right track.
Make sure the punishment fits the crime. It sounds like he is really passionate about bowling. If you take that away, what is that going to do to him? It could cause him to lash out and act out much worse than this.
Personally, if it were my child, I would take away other privelages and allow him to bowl. However, I would certainly stress the fact that he is fortunate to still be allowed to participate, and that future slip ups might result in more severe restrictions.
At the end of the day, it's your child. You know him best, and you will make the right call.
Good luck.
Post by: debs130 on May 14, 2004, 04:10:29 PM
Yes, he's quite popular (not one of the nerds) and has a decent amount of close friends. The kids involved, however, are not his "outside" friends, just school acquaintances. They're known troublemakers. He's never been in trouble in ten years of school.
Debbie
Post by: debs130 on May 14, 2004, 04:18:04 PM
You must have been replying while I was typing away to BowlingKid. Thanks for your advice, and BTW, I tend to agree with it. He's a lot closer to me than to my husband, and opens up once in a while. He's basically a good kid, but has been going in the wrong direction the past year (failing grades). He's never been in trouble before in school.
Bowling is our greatest bond. We compete with one another at least twice a week. This is why I hesitate to cut him off from bowling. It could spiral him into a depression. We've been talking a good deal today, and he says he feels really stupid for what he did and is begging me for another chance. I feel as if I've been kicked in the stomach.
Debbie
Post by: solid9 on May 14, 2004, 04:26:30 PM
I am the father of six and too often I let the childern decide what they thought the punishment should be, instead of just dishing it out and letting it play out.
Post by: C-G ProShop-Carl on May 14, 2004, 04:36:35 PM
None of my children are old enough for me to acually relate to the situation as a parent. SO, I am trying to relate this to being my daughter. If my daughter did that, I would find other way to punish her. I would ground her, for a long time. I would take away any video games, television , bicycles, playing with friends at home. I would let her continue to bowl, HOWEVER, I would make it very embarassing for her. I would be there watching every move she makes. She would not be allowed to really socialize as she is used to doing. Throw the ball, get her practice, and thats it.
I would increase any chores that she has, and be more strict in doing so.
Just know one thing, if your son took it to school, odds are he has been drinking some. If he told you he wasn't and you are trusting his word, fine. BUT he could also be attempting to save his butt.
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Owner/Operator
C-G Pro Shop
Post by: pin-chaser on May 14, 2004, 04:48:25 PM
I have three kids 17,16,15 (last is daughter and THE MOST TROUBLE). I heard a phrase a long time ago that has set my perspective with dealing with mistakes. "You can win more with honey than you can with vinegar". In this situation, your son made a mistake. And that is his job at this point in his life, to make mistakes and yours to pick him up, show him his mistake and set him on his way again to make another mistake. And so the cycle continues. If the vinegar is too sour than he will not be up front in the future with his mistakes. If the vinegar is not sour enough he will do the same thing to a larger degree. However, he has been punished by the school already and your justice is in addition to the sentence already given.
But the honey is redirecting his attention and applying his efforts in a direction away from his deeds. It is nice that you know what interests him and have a direction that he wants to persue. Taking that away only forces him to consider other avenues to occupy his time and perhaps not in a direction that you would like. Bowling is a safe zone for both of you.
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Bowling Tips and Articles at: www.bowlingknowledge.com
IRC: Internet Relay Chat on Dalnet #striketalk. 24x7x365
Post by: debs130 on May 14, 2004, 06:48:11 PM
Debbie
Post by: debs130 on May 14, 2004, 06:57:18 PM
LOL
Post by: livespive on May 14, 2004, 07:11:06 PM
quote:
I say no punishment, Just have him drink a 5th of jack in one hour and let that be the lesson.
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"I'm sick of following my dreams, I'm just gonna ask where their going and hook up with them later"
I would have to agree, although I don't have kids.
When I was young I asked my uncle about drinking and he
gave me a sip of beer. After I stopped throwing up I reaalized
that I didn't want to drink, and I don't to this day. I was also
curious about smoking, and mmy aunt gave me a puffof a cigarette,
and the same outcome, I do not smoke.
I would not take bowling away from him, although I would tell him that for every
action there is an equal but oposite reation, then ground him for a while.
If he has not been in trouble before, it shouldn't be to big of a problem.
Good Luck,
Eric
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Eric T. Spivey, P.E.
Visionary Test Staff Member
http://www.visionarybowling.com
Post by: livespive on May 14, 2004, 07:25:28 PM
quote:quote:
When I was young I asked my uncle about drinking and he
gave me a sip of beer. After I stopped throwing up...
Did you leave something out between those 2 sentances??? One sip??? Rookie
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No, it's not because you have no teeth, I've already got a girlfriend.
Ok, fine. Call me 310-217-7638
http://cmr444@aol.com
Nope,
I was very young like about 7 or 8 something like that.
They cured me REAL quick.
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Eric T. Spivey, P.E.
Visionary Test Staff Member
http://www.visionarybowling.com
Post by: SrKegler on May 15, 2004, 11:49:41 AM
Seems to me his "personality" has changed. I think your idea of counseling is the only solution.
As far as punishment, I would probably hold off until after a few counseling sessions, letting him know his punishment would be based on his progress. Might be as little as nothing, or losing every priviledge.
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~~~SrK - Have balls, will travel
1st law of combat, "Bullets always have the right of way"
Post by: a_ak57 on May 15, 2004, 12:02:34 PM
Like I said though, don't punish him too harshly. I know that if my parents ever banned me from bowling, I would NOT be prevented from doing anything bad, I'd bet ANYTHING that'd I'd become even worse and do much more. Not to mention the fact I would hate my parents with a passion and our relationship would be torn up. So I don't think you want that to happen.
Also, you said you want to get him counseling. Only do this if he has done something like this before, but I don't know if he has. If you send him to counseling, what message will that give him if it's only the one time? It will say "I think you're screwed up and need help". Not being offensive, but teens tend to think the same way when it comes to parents, and that's how I'd feel. But unless he's done a bunch of other bad things, then you shouldn't. If he has, though, that's another story.
No offense, but since you're dealing with a teen, many people here won't understand like me, BK and King will. We're going through this kind of stuff right now, and we know what goes on at school.
But step number 1: Have a talk. That's the best thing to do right now.
And if someone argues with me about this post saying I'm wrong, that will prove my point that adults cannot think of how teens react and think about situations.
Hope this helps. If not, can I have his stuff?
EDIT: BTW, where did he get the alcohol from?
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-Andy
Edited on 5/15/2004 12:03 PM
Post by: JOE FALCO on May 15, 2004, 01:43:50 PM
Everyone can make suggestions .. but you have to look into your heart. You know what has to be done and it's up to you to do it. None of us have the answer .. YOU DO!
Lets hope you nipped this in the bud .. don't put yourself in a spot where 3 years from now you say I WISH I WOULD HAVE ..! If you feel an action should be taking .. TAKE IT!
Lots of luck .. I'll prey for you!
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Hit them light and watch them fight
J O E - F A L C O
Post by: a_ak57 on May 15, 2004, 01:47:25 PM
Sounds a little scary. --------------------
-Andy
Post by: JOE FALCO on May 15, 2004, 01:49:38 PM
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Hit them light and watch them fight
J O E - F A L C O
Post by: Michael DeSantis on May 15, 2004, 01:59:53 PM
I have an 18 year-old girl and I always keep my fingers crossed. So far, so good. She did go to a social counselor when she was having some problems and it helped her quite a bit. Be patient and firm, and if you feel your son is at risk, get him some counseling. Good luck.
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"Chopping Wood For over Two Decades"
Post by: debs130 on May 15, 2004, 02:03:53 PM
Wow, what a great group of people you are! You don't know how much it's helped us. I've shared the replies with my son. He insists that there isn't a "deeper" problem, that he's just been lazy and made some terrible choices. I'm on the fence about this -- I'm not so sure there isn't a deeper problem (hubby wears rose colored glasses). Nick is actually looking forward to counseling. And I agree, family counseling is needed as well.
To the person who asked where he obtained the liquor: from our liquor cabinet. I've never thought to lock it up or even check the bottles, since we primarily drink only wine (me) or beer (hubby) once in a while. Guess I'll have to be more vigilant now.
Once again, thanks for all of your wise and intelligent replies.
Debbie
Post by: looseleftie on May 18, 2004, 08:06:35 AM
Heres my take on it... As a parent and teacher!!
A lot of early teenagers experience a decline in grades, most often it is a temporary thing.. Lack of interest, and a feeling of "I already have done that", and even "I already know that", both very frequent responses.. In later high schooling they have more choices in subjects, this helps interest and motivation... In regards to his new found friends, THAT would and SHOULD be one of your biggest problems.. Teach him to be strong and independent in thought/decision making and follow the right way..(assuming you and hubby have been doing this since Nic was born... repetitive and clear rules and expectations.. its the only way to go).. If this doesn't work immediately don't panic, repeat your expectations on him, reasonably ones though..If his friends are the reason behind his behaviour and grades, then suggest (and u can only suggest), that he find another group. There is nothing cool about failing at high school, (i know this as a result of having gone through it, and also the lack of interest/motivation, and in hindsight group of friends, I will never forget having to go back to school at the age of 22 feeling like man, why didn't I just get on with the job at school instead of being "cool" and hanging out smoking,drinking,etc..).
You need to surround Nic with positive people (influences)in life, it will undoubtably rub off, this includes friends at school/home, family members and sporting organizations (thats why keep him on the lanes and out of trouble).
In regards to the alcohol, don't sweat too much, if its a once off, not a big deal, an appropriate punishment, nothing too severe. Regarding bowling, let him continue... However an earlier poster mentioned that perhaps this was not Nic's first time dabbling with the Devil's juice.. You need to address this if this is true, counselling is an excellent option..
I see where I work, the results of lack lustre parenting and general poor family management, kids turning up late, poorly dressed, bad manners, bad attitude, no interest in school... Our kids are a product of ourselves.. The fact that you openly discussed this on a bowling forum suggests to me that you are a decent parent/mother.. Keep going, don't ever give in, continually reinforce positive behaviour and performances.. Finally lots of love..
Hope this might help!
Peace Looseleftie
Post by: matt smith on May 18, 2004, 09:24:13 AM
Im am in the transition stage. Im not a parent, im not a school kid. Im 19, so ive been around the block a few times, seen this, done that etc etc. You definitly need to punish your child. But to what extent I do not know.
Because your son took some grog to school doesnt mean anything bad about him. When I was in grade 10 (god i hope my parents dont read this) I too once took alcohol to school, and so did a few of my mates. It wasnt that we were tryin to be cool, and it wasnt that we were bad students. It was exploration. Grade 10, and around that age, is when teenagers (at least me and my friends) started to spread our wings so to speak, and explore life.
It was this time and the surrounding years, that we started trying new things, like alcohol, smoking (not me), girls, bad grades (me). Without trying to go all Dr. Phill on you here, its just a phase. Me and my friends took alcohol to school once a week for 3 weeks, and too this day hardly any of us drink. In the last year I have consumed alcohol 4 times, and only once consumed enough to feel the effects.
The fact that he tried it now, and got caught could infact turn out to be a good thing. Hell if my friends and I were caught i can guarentee you that none of us would EVER have touched the stuff again.
I dont really know where im going with this post anymore, but I think what im trying to say is, dont be too hard on the boy. Its better he tried it now, and got busted, then gettin smashed at a party (not saying that he would, but you know) and doing something REALLY bad.
Its my opinion that you shouldn't take bowling away from him. Ground him, hell yea, but give him a break! How many people here never drank before they were legally able to?
Besides, some of think that bowling can be punishment enough anyway
good luck and high scoring
matt