Having returned to the profession after a brief attempt at married life, I gazed out of my window down Rose Street and watched the patrons of the New Myrtle's Grill waddling out after too much of Myrtle's cherry pie. As she walked in front of Myrtle's toward my building, there was no trying not noticing her. Dressed in a red and black camisole that displayed more curves than Darlington, she walked, if what she did could be described that way, to the building. I tell ya, its a whole nother sex.
Exactly 47 seconds later, she came into my office and sat down with a notepad on her lap. The notepad had the words "Rule" and "Xception" written on it. She was about 35, bottle blond with green eyes, wearing a little too much make up and clothes that looked like they were body paint. I notice such things because I am a trained detective. She said her name was Ellen Shepherd, and her job was designing whoopee cushions for Bonco. I said, "doesn't wash sister. No whoopee cushion designer has a flipside like that." "Oh allright, I'm a professor of physics at Newton." "But you don't like playing by and with the normal Rules." "That's right." "So you want my to check out if there is an Xception for you." "Yes. How did you know." "It's either my amazing psychic powers, or its the only reasonable deduction from what is written on the notepad sitting on your lap." I gave her my educational institution rate, which is my hourly rate plus a promise of dinner and her phone number. Cell, not office.
The following morning, I sauntered into No-Star Lanes and had Bud punch out two Xceptions with 3" pins, one with the pin 4" and the other with the pin 5" from the Pap. Both were shiny, pearl, and swirly lights and darks. Both CGs were to be set directly below the pins. While Bud did his job, I ordered two gin gimlets, just to insure my views wouldn't be clouded by unnecessary sobriety.
According to my research this orb was designed to get ignore the heads and midlanes like Paris ignores Nichole and then to stand up and turn like Jeff Gordon on a short track. I tried it on house tapers, a christmas tree, and a couple of conditions so thin or flat they made Laura Flynn Boyle nervous.
1. Length? A pearl, but a strong pearl reactive. In box condition it picks up when it first finds substantial dry, like a good martini. Extra polish and it gets on down the road further than Dorothy in the Wiz. For a pearl, long enough, but it doesn’t squirt around like a drunken firehouse. If you’re heading for a desert or an oil well, leave this globe at home.
2. How did it move? Watching this one move I got a crick in my neck. It flipped harder than the coin on Superbowl Sunday. And it goes left so hard Ted Kennedy wonders how something got to his left. It will rollout on short oil.
3. How much did it move? On medium light conditions with strong backends, Mayflower doesn’t move as much. It seemed to want to head harder and longer left with a higher axis rotation angle – cut down on rollout. It is moderately sensitive – i.e., it’s somewhere between Hawkeye Pierce and Jim Rockford – to carrydown.
4. How did it hit? Once you get lined up, this one is more predictable at finishing off the rack than Steve Mizerak. Keep the speed consistent and adjusted and pins fly around more than the Blue Angels. Get Tony Stewart with it and you be seeing the corners of the track over and over. Don’t get high, you’ll regret it in the morning. A lot. If you can adjust and stay lined up, I haven’t seen much better.
5. What kind of control did it give me? Look, this one needs Mark Martin to keep the speed constant and adjusted. You just gotta make sure you keep the proper speed around the track. Get inconsistent and this one gets more nervous than a squirrel at a hound dog convention. Forgiving as Hannity to the right and as unforgiving as Rush to the left.
6. So, whaddid I tell the Dame? I liked it and preferred the Xception to the Rule. For the better bowlers, a superior skid-flip ball – maybe the best on the market right now. But then, I can control myself as a trained detective. She didn’t have that kind of control. Thank God.
--------------------
"Some guys get the world. Other guys get ex-hookers and a trip to Arizona."
